He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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