evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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