Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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