miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
