How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
