We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
