I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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