Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
