I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
