Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
