Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
