do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
