I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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