she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
