cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My penis needs a shock collar
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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