first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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