I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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