I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
