Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
