i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
