Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
