Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
