if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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