What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
