Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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