I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
