Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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