i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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