Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
