I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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