Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
