Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
