The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
