Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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