I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
