hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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