Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
