Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
