idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
