I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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