Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
