There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
