i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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