Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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