the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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