Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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