I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
