I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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