I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
