gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
