if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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