If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
